Friday, February 03, 2006

So...this is supposed to save me time?

I admit defeat, foule machine. Thou hast conquered me.

'Twas not that I did not a valiant effort make, foule dwimmermachine! Thou wert spawned by foule orcs and thy nasty pointy hooks and fell weighted hem wert ever made by he whose darkness knows no end!

I renounce thee, O stinkin' ISM! I will save thy pointy hooks for scarves and suchlike. 'Twas in vain that I bought the 30 needle extension for thy foule plastick frame so that I might expand thine horizons and knit larger sweaters than thou couldst previously do. 'Tis apparent that adding the extension to make your foule body more productive does not bode well for those sweaters whose width only exceedeth thy previous capacity by one or two stitches! Long did I labor to hang both thy foule weighted hems so that evenly they did hang! Hours did I spend putting my fair knitted piece on thine pointy hooks, making sure that I skipped no hook and every latch was open!

But alas, thou hast defeated me! When I had finally satisfied myself that thine foul weighted hems were hanging evenly and that my jaunty knitted ribbing was placed correctly on the aforementioned pointy hooks and didst push thy carriage across to knit the first row, loud was my cursing and wailing when I discovered that thou didst not knit at least 20 stitches where the two foule weighted hems did meet. In vain didst I try to knit these stitches by hand, foiled by the tight tension on the working yarn! For every stitch that couldst be coaxed through the loop on the hook, another previously completed stitch would pop out! Alack!

If only I had been able to knit those stitches and proceed, I knew that all would be well! Once thy weighted hems were hanging well below thy pointy hooks, the knitting would proceed in a smooth manner, in spite of thy foule machinations! Yet, it was not to be! After wasting 2 precious knitting hours fussing with thee, O dwimmermacine, I have decided that knitting was meant to be fun, not to be spent toiling and cursing over plastic and metal.

Thou shalt not despoil my fair Plymouth Encore yarn. It shall be saved from thy snagging ways and thy refusal to knit stitches where two weighted hems must meet at thy extension point. I shall no longer waste the precious hours of my life that I have spent trying to coax thee to do what, after all, thou wert designed to do. Thy capricious refusal to cooperate shall doom thee to the furthest corner of the basement, where thou shalt dwell until, at my pleasure, I choose to grapple with thee yet again.

Observe, foule dwimmermachine, I have switched mine pattern to be one which I can knit with joy and satisfaction! Behold the Wonderful Wallaby! Circularly shall I proceed, taking my knitting where thou canst never go, in the car, at the computer, to the church meeting! Look on this thy nemesis and despair! The Paton's pattern, while claiming to be for 8 year old children, dost have 12 inches of ease chestwise! Consulting the Knitter's Companion chart of sweater ease allowances, I find that loose fitting sweaters call for a 12 to 15 percent ease and the Paton's designer hast made for double this amount! The Squatter boy wouldst swim in the Paton's hoodie. Far, far better to enclothe him in a Wallaby and be happy in the knitting. Thou hast won our battle, O foule machine, but I, I have won the war!


Jennifer said...

You made my day.haha I have 3 machines and curse them all the time. Have you gone to the bond site and ask for help there. I have done a snowflak yarn sweater for my gd that I wouldn't do by hand. You'll love the wallaby, did for gs.Plain was the main reason I got that machine. Good luck.

Ann said...

Amen sister! mine went back to the store and I purchased several sets of beautiful bamboo needles, alas some things are best left to the hands.