Friday, January 06, 2006

Brain Cells Rapidly Decreasing Due to Evil Yarn Companies Motherhood

As I wound up another knitting and blog reading session last night, I reached the end of the first set of blocks on the front of the colorblock sweater. Hooray! I can finally change to different yarn colors! I'm desperate for some variety here, because like any knitter, I'm sick of working on the same thing for more than 2 days in a row. I think it's a plot by yarn companies, frankly. They soak the yarn in some sort of DRUG that makes you want to go out, buy more yarn and start something new. They're all in it, I tell ya!

I checked the already completed back piece to make sure that I was ending the heart block in the right spot. I counted the rows up to the point where the heart started and the rows after the heart ended and noticed that while the rows before the heart numbered 11, the rows after the heart numbered 9. "Gee," thinks I, "you'd think that these pattern writing dweebs would know enough to the lovely designer would center the heart in the middle of the block, now wouldn't you?" So I had a look at the pattern again and realized that the tricksy evil pattern writers deliberately wrote the pattern so I would make a mistake I had stupidly not done one repeat of two of the rows after the heart and since I had done a visual check of the previous block instead of reading the pattern again, now the whole sweater was going to be 4 rows shorter (because there are two rows with this block in it) than it should be!!!

As I realized how cruelly I had been used by the yarn company, with their intent on my abandoning this project in disgust and buying more yarn stupid I had been, I threw the pattern down and kicked my knitting bag around the room, cursing and wailing gently laid the pattern down and lamented the fact that there was no chart in the pattern because evil yarn companies are too cheap to provide one because they are probably just not as popular in Britain, I gnashed my teeth, vowing vengeance sat for a moment in utter despair.

What has happened to me!? I used to be sharp as a tack, until I started knitting and evil yarn companies warped and twisted my brain became a mother. Since then, I have gradually noticed that I am hooked on yarn, it's a plot! getting stupider and stupider. Must be something that they put on the yarn in the hormones.

So the big question is now:

  1. Do I fix this total travesty of a project lovely sweater so that the pieces are the right length? Or
  2. Do I leave it the way it is, 'cause frankly nobody but me will know that evil yarn companies tricked me into making a stupid mistake I made a mistake? It's not really there unless you know where to look, right?

I know how to go about fixing it...I would have to thread thin straight knitting needles or thick pieces of yarn through the stitches on the row above the block and two rows below that. Then I would pull the stitches out in the row in between, take the bottom piece and knit two more rows on top then graft the two pieces back together. This appeals to me in a twisted sort of way, because I'm one of those strange knitters who really enjoys grafting. But it would take soooo long to do this twice and I'm already getting tired of this project. What with the squatty heart error in the pattern evil yarn companies again! and now this...faugh!

Decisions, decisions...

The whole day yesterday was fraught with complications. After much groaning and shuffling of bank statements and receipts, I did get my bills paid and my checkbook balanced. Before that, though, I did work on the project from hell colorblocks sweater. The skeins of yarn were misbehaving...the outside ends were unwinding and tangling with the working ends...what a mess! So I imprisoned them in yarn bras, something I had found in my old gatemouth bag (knitlisters of an antique nature will remember when we were all buying them for knitting bags) when I was reorganizing my stash. If you've never seen a yarn bra, you can get them at Patternworks.

Funny thing is, skeins of yarn don't appreciate being put into bras (I can relate!), so they immediately retaliated by developing massive internal blockages, forcing me to partially disembowel them so I could resolve the blockages. Blech!

And all of this without any chocolate in the house worth is a woman to survive? The bathroom, though, is still dirty. In some ways, life still makes sense.


Jo said...

Despite your case of galloping blog envy, your latest entry and subliminals had me in tears, I laughed so hard! I often wondered why the compulsion to obtain MORE (yarn, needles, patterns, whatever!) Now I know, they're drugging the yarn!!!!!

kimberly said...

Thanks for making me laugh today! Love your blog.